Computers are a bit of magic. We might liken them to magical devices of old, but people making themselves look silly comes to mind as a way in which we prefer to look through a mirror and think about quality silver goods with no sight of an app and girls and boys playing, with no thought of giving each other pictures of themselves without their clothes on.

But this is not a new phenomenon. Girls and boys played with dividers at school, for much the same reason.

Hard and fast: that's how I like to do things.

'But come on, Brian, you know how computers work, so why are you calling them magical devices?' (emphasis on know).

Those who accept this might reasonably expect me to attempt to demonstrate my knowledge. But then I'll talk about making my own language. There doesn't seem to be any reason we'd want to make our own central processing unit, besides that we might have made the vain boast that we could.

Just look at all those processors being junked because people want a new one.

And we find ourselves amongst people who use the same words as us, or very similar ones, with whom we can by no means communicate. The last thought in some people's minds is that of how something works. Though they might pull something like a motor apart, this is a matter of doing and showing.

And then we come to the matter of certificates: a certificate course can't teach a fish to swim, let alone teaching it how to avoid sharks. This is not to say certification is just a merry-go-round, but obviously without standardization it becomes a fucking fun-fair; which is why vendors become important.

In terms of what every computer can do, about my least favourite thing is digital video. But these old bones are getting tired of repeating to people that the good old days of quality preceded tv screens, and existed simultaneously with them, but to talk of the good old days of analogue tv one must be part of a nation whose understanding of quality is that it amounts to nothing more than a feeling something gives you.

Screens must be top quality; which gives me a good excuse to work my tongue instead of my feather duster.