I need to wind myself back eleven years and one month.
We're expected to get over people.
Some of us meet people who steal all our motivation. I cannot say how frequently it happens that a person struggles every day to get out of bed, because they find that this day is just like the last, and tomorrow is likely to be the same, and there's no path from the front door to the one thing that has consumed all that person's former ideas of a happy life; but I believe this does happen.
Personally I believe in walking around the block and kicking it under my bed--whether a hopeless person just described is described from experience or otherwise.
My walk starts on top of a hill. The last time I had been at this place was on my Yamaha Fantasy. The hill has lots of memories for me. Most of them, however, are in a time of my life that is disconnected from me. It is not a question of innocence, but a matter of my ignorance having been removed, which meant that while I still had things to learn, life was no longer a mystery to me. That this can happen without losing one's innocence is something few people acknowledge. That it came about that I had to lose my innocence (and lose contact) is part of an ongoing battle.
Suffice it to say, I lost my ability to say 'they have their reward.'
I'm sure incest is something people would the rather not contemplate, which thought was part of the previous version of this webdoc. I know that some people see the word version and think 'virgin'. I try not to make too much of a fuss about virgins--everyone deserves a second chance.
So long as there's not the slightest chance of my overhearing women talking about the acceptability of another woman's demeanour or behaviour in my presence, I'm alright, jack!
I had been known for my midnight walking, but that too seemed a life disconnected from me. Carrying, therefore, two sets of memories, my destination for this walk was clear enough; this was a corner I had stopped at in the days I was endlessly walking in an attempt to regain my ignorance.
Having a drink at a place a stone's throw from a place which fits the description of a vacuum (for that, as far I know, is the only way we can move on without being able to say a final word to someone who changed us permanently), I couldn't help thinking that I shouldn't have bothered to get my independence.